It’s like time is slipping through my fingers. The moments between September and March feel like nothing at all. I’m desperately trying to press pause, just to get everything to slow down so that I can keep up. It’s like I’m constantly in a crowd of thousands. They’re bustling and pushing and rushing for no reason at all. But the reality of the situation is that I’m sat with maybe five people in a very large room but I can’t seem to focus. Autopilot is activated and I don’t know how to stop it.
I look back to August, when I lived in the town that had been my home for eighteen years. Everything was the same and it was so frustrating. The streets used to have me longing for something different and new. I wanted to get out and do something exciting. I now look back and feel fear. I wanted this change and wanted it to happen now. Well it is now. Now everything around me is different but also nothing has changed. I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for. What I have now is ‘it’ but it also isn’t ‘it‘. I don’t even know what ‘it‘ is. I feel both overwhelmed and underwhelmed.
Writer and poet Jorge Luis Borges wrote a short story describing his two selves. I can’t help but relate. It’s as if there are two of me, the person everyone see’s and then the thoughts inside my head that just can’t belong to the same individual. People throw around adjectives and I just can’t connect them. The string is broken, frayed and torn. And then I remember that society teaches girls to think negatively about themselves and maybe I’m just a product of that teaching. I know it’s wrong but 18 years of practice and I should almost be perfect. Everything is fine really, but I sometimes lose myself and its like I’ve returned back to 2010. I think I know who the ‘real’ me is but I also think I’m taking this way too seriously.
I’m trying to outgrow the ‘looking negatively at life’ thing but watching others live with closed minds and narrow hearts tires me out. Watching people who’ve grown up with so much more than I have, and have had so many benefits to their life but still can’t see the positive in situations is exhausting.
I’m slowly realising that trying to get these people to think differently is futile.
The negative mindset is addictive and dangerous. But then again reminding yourself that no matter how hard life feels, being alive is amazing and exciting can’t be so difficult. Or maybe the ability to separate one’s self from a situation and evaluate it is a skill I’m taking for granted. Maybe a little more human understanding is in order.
I’ve learned that most things are mind over matter. The mind tends to overreact and exaggerate everything. Time moves whether you want it to and something that caused life to look so bleak and dark will hopefully turn into light one day. No matter how much I look back to August, I don’t really want to be back there. And although it absolutely terrifies me, the speed at which my life is travelling is exciting. It means I have to get things done before my time here runs out.
I’m almost a year older, and although I wrote a letter to my younger self last year, I can already see differences between that author and the person writing this today.
Time is strange, but perspective is even stranger.